All Female Spacewalk Postponed Due To Hair Appointment

Low Earth Orbit — NASA officials confirmed Monday that the long-anticipated all-female spacewalk aboard the International Space Station has been delayed yet again—this time due to what mission control diplomatically described as “a scheduling overlap with a non-optional hair appointment.”

Astronauts Dr. Melanie Park and Lt. Commander Rachel Alvarez, who were set to make history as the first two women to perform a spacewalk together while simultaneously explaining what contouring is to their male crewmates, reportedly realized the conflict late Sunday evening during a mission-planning Zoom call.

“Houston, we have a split end situation,” Park reportedly told ground control. “There is no way I’m going outside the ISS with this frizz. I already look like a puff pastry in this suit.” NASA was quick to reassure the public that the postponement has nothing to do with competence or capability, and everything to do with “the universal law of overlapping obligations and the sacredness of root maintenance.”

“This isn’t some stereotype,” said NASA spokesperson Diane Wexler. “We didn’t postpone the first all-male spacewalk because Kyle needed a fade touch-up. That’s because Kyle didn’t ask. These women asked. And we respect that. They’re astronauts, not animals.”

Dr. Park, a PhD in aerospace engineering and former fighter jet pilot, has been vocal in recent years about the challenges of maintaining professional hair while in a zero-gravity environment. “Just because I’m in space doesn’t mean I have to look like I’ve been electrocuted by the sun,” she said in a recent Instagram post featuring a floating comb and the caption #OrbitsAndOmbré.

Sources aboard the ISS say the situation escalated after Alvarez discovered her dry shampoo had “gone rogue” in microgravity and was now lightly coating the oxygen filtration system. “She said she didn’t feel spacewalk ready,” said Russian cosmonaut Ivan Petrov, who has no hair and declined to comment further.

Despite the delay, the duo used the freed-up time for “essential maintenance,” including deep conditioning, rebraiding, and giving an impromptu tutorial on how to make a French twist in zero gravity using only zip ties and mission tape.