Birthday Piñata Worked Over Long And Hard By Group Of Second Graders

Tallahassee, FL — What began as a festive backyard celebration quickly devolved into a brutal display of unrelenting violence Saturday afternoon, as a rainbow-colored donkey piñata was methodically dismembered by a sugar-hungry mob of second graders wielding plastic bats and zero empathy.

The piñata, purchased from a local party supply store and named “Chico” by the birthday girl moments before execution, was reportedly hung from a tree branch with festive intent—and then savagely pounded within an inch of its paper-mâché life.

“It was supposed to be fun,” said party host Dana Weller, who organized the event for her daughter Ella’s 8th birthday. “I thought they’d each take a swing or two, laugh, maybe struggle with the blindfold. But these kids... they just snapped.” Witnesses say the violence escalated quickly after the first few swings failed to produce candy. By the time the third child, Logan H., stepped up, chants of “GET THE LEGS!” and “HIT HIM WHERE IT HURTS!” had already begun.

“It got primal,” said family friend and reluctant piñata hoister Jeremy Caffrey. “They were taking turns, but not because we told them to. It was more like a structured frenzy. One kid yelled, ‘This is for every time my mom said no to dessert!’ and then just wailed on it.”

The scene reached its grisly climax when a particularly determined girl named Sophie unleashed what partygoers described as “a baseball-level swing with the force of generational trauma,” finally breaching the piñata’s ribcage and releasing a sad cascade of melted Tootsie Rolls and off-brand Skittles.

“I think I blacked out,” said second grader Marcus D., who emerged with a fistful of Laffy Taffy and what appeared to be part of Chico’s eye. “All I remember is the sound. Like a wet crinkle. Then everyone screamed and dove.”

The aftermath was equally disturbing. The piñata’s remains now dangle from the tree like a warning to other decorative party supplies: twisted cardboard limbs, shredded tissue paper, and a single hanging streamer flapping quietly in the wind.

Animal rights activists were not available for comment, but one 7-year-old party guest reportedly whispered, “We killed it... and I don’t even like Smarties.”

Weller says the rest of the party proceeded without incident, aside from two heated confrontations during musical chairs and a “cake riot” over who got the frosting rose.

At press time, Chico’s decapitated head had been repurposed as a party hat by the birthday girl, who claimed it as her “war prize.”

Plans for next year’s party include a bounce house and “maybe just a quiet cake-cutting ceremony without any ceremonial bludgeoning.”