Cold-Hearted Businessman Holds Waist In Attempt To Hug Self

New York, NY — In a rare moment of vulnerability disguised as power posing, local CEO Richard “Dick” Halberston was spotted gripping his own waist Tuesday morning in what experts believe may be a primitive attempt at human affection — directed, tragically, at himself.

Halberston, 62, stood in the middle of his open-plan office with a furrowed brow, squared shoulders, and the emotional availability of a fax machine, while clenching his torso in what initially appeared to be a classic “dominance stance.” Upon closer inspection, however, body language analysts say the pose more closely resembled a hug… if hugs were invented by robots raised by tax returns.

“He’s never expressed warmth to another human being,” said junior associate Kelly Mendelson. “One time I sneezed and he made direct eye contact for three seconds. I thought he was going to fire me. Turns out, that was him trying to say ‘Bless you.’”

The moment was captured in a now-viral office photo, where Halberston can be seen standing stoically among younger, livelier coworkers engaged in normal human interaction, like laughter and eye contact. In contrast, Halberston appears to be holding himself like a man whose only source of comfort is quarterly earnings.

“Psychologically, what we’re seeing is textbook,” explained Dr. Lacey Zhou, a behavioral anthropologist. “When you lack external emotional connections due to decades of cutting pensions and firing single mothers before Christmas, the body attempts to self-soothe. His arms wrapping around his own waist is his soul whispering, ‘You are technically still human.’”

Employees say this isn’t the first time Halberston has exhibited strange, borderline-human behavior. “He once handed me a cup of coffee and said, ‘Thanks... team,’” said project manager Jenna Fields. “It was 85% foam and 100% unsettling.”

When asked to comment on the pose, Halberston replied, “This is how leaders stand. It projects confidence. Strength. Self-reliance.”

He then stared into the distance and added softly, “...and if you hold on tight enough, sometimes you forget how empty it all feels.”

Despite the eerie display, staffers were quick to clarify that Halberston remains emotionally unavailable. “He still thinks therapy is a weakness,” said one intern. “And when someone mentioned ‘feelings’ during a quarterly review, he asked what department they worked in.”