Elderly Woman Doesn’t Let Arthritis Or Red Lights Slow Her Down

Scottsdale, AZ — With grit in her heart, expired tags on her Buick, and a barely-visible puff of lavender perm above the steering wheel, 86-year-old Geraldine “Gerry” Blanchard is proving that neither rheumatoid arthritis nor basic traffic laws will keep her from tearing up the roads like it’s 1953.

“She’s an inspiration,” said local bystander Melissa Curry, moments after diving into a bush to avoid Blanchard’s left-hand turn across three lanes of traffic and what appeared to be a sidewalk. “She may not know where she’s going, but by God, she’s going there aggressively.”

Blanchard, a retired elementary school librarian and part-time menace to intersections, has been spotted daily in her mint green 1997 LeSabre—nicknamed The Tank—rolling through red lights like they’re polite suggestions and changing lanes with the confidence of someone who believes turn signals are for cowards.

“I’ve earned the right to drive however I want,” said Blanchard, while adjusting a decorative Kleenex box and tapping the accelerator with the orthopedic shoe she’s pretty sure is on the right pedal. “I lived through the Dust Bowl and three cheating husbands. A red light is just a colored dot to me.”

Family members have expressed concern but admit they've been unsuccessful in intervening. “We tried to take her keys once,” said grandson Mark. “She responded by chasing us around the house with her rolling pin and yelling, ‘THE ROAD BELONGS TO THE LIVING.’ Honestly, we just let her go now. It’s safer for everyone emotionally.”

According to Scottsdale Police, Blanchard has received 42 warning citations, 11 mailed tickets, and “at least 17 waves from terrified pedestrians.” Still, officers hesitate to take action. “She once scolded a traffic cop for ‘slouching’ and made him stand up straight for 20 minutes,” said Officer Karen Devlin. “We kind of just let her do her thing and notify nearby hospitals when she’s headed out.”

Despite her declining vision and self-admitted confusion over what the “D” gear stands for, Blanchard continues to drive herself to water aerobics, bridge club, and a diner that has been closed since 2014.

“I may have arthritis,” she said, “but I also have cruise control. That’s the Lord’s way of saying, ‘Pedal-to-the-metal, Geraldine.’” Police advise residents to avoid major intersections between 9 a.m. and 3 p.m. and to “just give her the road. Trust us.”