Frank More Active Than Active Volcano

Frank More Active Than Active Volcano

Toledo, OH — In a groundbreaking geological and metabolic study released this week, researchers confirmed that local man Frank Devlin, 34, has officially surpassed the activity level of Costa Rica’s Arenal Volcano — despite logging 16 consecutive hours on his couch and only standing once (to retrieve a Hot Pocket).

“Technically speaking, Frank is more active than a geological structure still classified as ‘active,’” said Dr. Melissa Chong of the Earth & Lifestyle Metrics Institute. “While the volcano hasn’t erupted since 2010, Frank did erupt last night after eating five servings of Pizza Rolls. That alone pushes him into ‘mildly dynamic’ territory.”

The scientific comparison began when Frank’s mom, who also functions as his landlord, jokingly said, “Frank moves less than a rock.” That statement prompted a full investigation, including motion sensors, body heat tracking, and a thermal scan of his butt imprint on the couch.

“Look, the volcano's just sitting there, being majestic and dormant. I, on the other hand, watched four seasons of Breaking Bad, paused to eat nachos, and yelled at a DoorDash driver for forgetting my ranch,” said Frank, proudly adjusting himself without standing. “So yeah, I’m basically lava.”

To assess comparative activity, the study utilized metrics like:

  • Distance Traveled in 24 Hours:

    • Arenal Volcano: 0 meters

    • Frank: 3 meters (bathroom round trip)

  • Eruptions in the Past Decade:

    • Arenal Volcano: 0

    • Frank: 47 (burps and one incident involving chili and regret)

  • Potential to Disrupt Ecosystems:

    • Arenal Volcano: Moderate

    • Frank: High (especially when removing socks in a confined space)

Frank’s supporters have rallied behind the findings. “People are too hard on him,” said friend and fellow sedentary lifestyle enthusiast Jared Loop. “He once switched from Cheetos to Doritos mid-snack. That’s personal growth.”

Frank, meanwhile, has taken the newfound fame in stride, posting a selfie with the caption: “Hotter than magma. Lazier than lava. Still winning.”