Kid Celebrates Birthday By Ceremoniously Blowing Germs All Over Cake

Plano, TX — In a time-honored ritual performed with absolutely zero regard for modern hygiene or airborne contaminant protocols, local 7-year-old Madison Griggs celebrated her birthday Sunday by inhaling deeply and then power-blasting a fine mist of upper-respiratory bacteria across an entire buttercream-frosted cake in front of dozens of clapping adults who absolutely knew better.

“She was so excited to blow out the candles,” said Madison’s mom, Michelle Griggs, while simultaneously licking frosting off a Spork and encouraging her other child to “go ahead and eat around the candle wax.” “She made a wish and everything. We don’t know what it was, but we assume it had nothing to do with virology.”

Eyewitnesses confirm that Madison leaned in closer than strictly necessary to the cake, puffed her cheeks with all the might of a lung-capacity champion, and unleashed a saliva-rich gust that extinguished the candles, moistened several frosting roses, and temporarily caused a minor wind chill effect in the frosting.

“She got real close,” said Uncle Craig, who was seen scraping off the top layer of icing before eating. “Like, I don’t want to say I saw her soul leave her body during the blow, but I do think she accidentally said the word ‘moist’ out loud mid-exhale.” Aunt Debbie, who brought a fruit tray no one touched, added, “It’s a beautiful tradition—so innocent, so joyful, so biologically reckless. What’s not to love, right?!”

Despite widespread post-pandemic awareness around germ transmission, not a single person in the room voiced concern. When asked about this, party guest Denise Rowland said, “Oh, we all thought about it. But we also knew there was Funfetti involved, so we each made peace with God and dug in.” Madison herself showed no remorse, later saying, “I made a wish for a Barbie Dreamhouse and for Ava from school to stop calling me ‘Snot Queen.’ Also, I like the part where everybody eats my spit cake. It’s like I’m inside them now.”

The CDC released no official comment but did tweet a passive-aggressive GIF of someone sanitizing a fork in boiling water.

The Griggs family says they plan to continue the birthday tradition next year, only this time with extra candles, “so she has to blow even harder.” At press time, Madison was seen licking frosting off a plastic unicorn while another kid sneezed directly into the punch bowl.