Thousands Of Fans Flock To Hear Singer Bitch About Ex-Boyfriends For Three Hours
Tampa, FL — In an unprecedented display of commercialized catharsis, over 70,000 emotionally available fans gathered last night at Raymond James Stadium to cheer, cry, and scream-sing while one of the world’s highest-paid musicians melodically vented about every man who has ever wronged her, ghosted her, or “didn’t text back fast enough.”
The event, part of the Emotional Damage: Stadium Tour, was headlined by pop sensation Taylor Swift, who for three straight hours cycled through a setlist that critics have described as “half Grammy-winning artistry, half highly curated FBI case file.”
“It’s amazing,” said 28-year-old superfan Kayleigh Benson, sobbing uncontrollably while wearing a sequined top that read Jake Gyllenhaal Can Choke. “She just gets it. The betrayal, the heartache, the really specific scarf left at a house in Brooklyn. I mean, who hasn’t been emotionally dismantled by a moderately famous white man?”
Swift, 35, took the stage in her signature sparkly bodysuit and opened the show with a dramatic rendition of "Back to December,” followed by fan favorites like “Dear John” and “All Too Well.”
Between songs, she spoke directly to the crowd: “This next one’s about a guy who said he ‘wasn’t ready for a relationship’ and then got engaged two months later. You all know the type!
Attendees of all ages, from high schoolers fresh off their first breakup to full-grown divorcees, screamed every lyric with terrifying emotional accuracy, while men in attendance mostly stood quietly, shifting nervously and muttering things like, “I didn’t even do anything,” and “Why is everyone looking at me during this song?”
“It’s like a spiritual cleanse,” said 41-year-old father and unwilling chaperone Greg Sullivan. “She sings one lyric about emotional unavailability, and 20,000 women start speaking in tongues. I didn’t even cheat, and I still feel like I need to apologize.”
Merchandise tables sold out of items like:
“John Mayer Ruined My Trust Issues” crop tops
“I Knew You Were Trouble (Because I Dated You)” tour mugs
And a limited-edition $99 “Ex-Boyfriend Cry Jar” that allegedly contains the tears of past relationships, or possibly just Evian.
Critics are praising the tour for its ability to turn personal vendettas into billion-dollar art, calling Swift “the Shakespeare of subtweeting” and “the only person who can rhyme ‘emotional gaslighting’ with ‘midnight lightning.’”
When asked if she planned to stop writing about exes anytime soon, Swift responded, “Not until men stop being disappointing.”